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Friday, September 7, 2012

Crystal Springs Speeds Up The Game

I confess: I am a speed demon. I abhor slow play. A four-hour round of golf is a snail's pace and four-and-a-half puts me into a serious funk. My idea of a great round is about three hours and I've done it walking--in a foursome--plenty of times.

That's why I'm pumped about the Fast Track initiative at Crystal Springs in Sussex County, NJ. The forward-thinking seven-course resort makes it happen in a player-friendly way without losing any of the pleasure of the game.  “We’ve explored a lot of different methods and programs to make golf more appealing and more fun, inclusive, and more enjoyable,” says Director of Golf Art Walton. “It excites those who really like to get around the course. That gives them time to play another round, get home, or enjoy the many other amenities at the resort.”  They started the initiative at Wild Turkey and then added it to Black Bear last year. According to Walton, it's going well.

Crystal Springs Resort
Crystal Springs Resort - photo courtesy of the resort
Tee times from opening to 8 AM at the two courses are reserved for Fast Track players, who pledge to finish in four hours or less. To speed up play, “ready golf” is expected rather than following the strict honors order of play and hunts for lost balls are limited to one minute rather than five. The starters also encourage groups to play from the correct tees and players are asked to pick up his or her ball if seven strokes have been played on any given hole. If a group is slow, the course assistants often declare out of bounds to be played as lateral hazards to eliminate re-teeing.

Player assistance on the golf course is key to the system. The rangers police the pace of play with tracking sheets for each group. “When someone is five minutes off, they’ll communicate with them,” Walton explains. "They get a warning to keep up with the group in front of them. If they can’t, we relocate them to their appropriate position on the course. That’s the only way to do it.” He adds that playing through isn’t a time-saving option since it involves waiting six or seven minutes.

“It was not an easy initiative," Walton says. "The communications chain that has to be executed has many steps along the way. Our central reservations department needs to know what the program is and be able to describe it to those booked into that time zone. They must be able to finish in four hours or less. That has to be fortified along the way. When the player checks into the pro shop, the person greeting them has to re-iterate that and make sure they understand. The same with the starter. What you don’t want is a group that says ‘I wasn’t told.’ The burden also extends to the golfer booking the reservation, who has to make sure everyone in their group understands the expectations.”

I applaud Crystal Springs for making a concerted effort to move the game along. Slow play equals bad golf. But the opposite is also true: fast play equals good golf, just like you'll find at Crystal Springs.

Among many other books, Dave Donelson is the author of Weird Golf: 18 tales of fantastic, horrific, scientifically impossible, and morally reprehensible golf

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Ballyowen Lends A Celtic Flair To New Jersey

photo courtesy of the course
Ballyowen is the crown jewel of the Crystal Springs Resort collection of seven golf courses in the New Jersey highlands. The links-style design by Roger Rulewich has won accolades from Golfweek and many other publications, all well-deserved. You may argue whether it's like playing a links course (it's not), but you can't disagree with the simple fact that Ballyowen is an excellent test of your golf game.

The course sprawls over 250 acres atop a plateau surrounded by rolling farmland and craggy knolls giving it a wide-open, wind-swept feel. It is virtually treeless and fairways are defined by yellow fescue and other native grasses that literally eat errant shots, further giving the course a Celtic feel. Both greens and fairways are generally wide and welcoming, however, so well-played shots are rewarded. Just don't expect much links-like roll from the lush fairways.

Ballyowen measures 6,508 from the gold tees, which is as far back as all but the pros should play. With a 71.5 rating and 130 slope, the gold tees provide plenty of challenge. There are five sets of tees in total, ranging from 7,094 to 4,903 yards.

Birdie opportunities abound for the player who can keep their ball out of the gnarly rough and put it in the right place on the sprawling greens. Only two of the par fours are over 400 yards, two of the par fives are under 500 yards, and the longest par three is 180. It's the accuracy of your approach shots that will make the difference on even the two short par fours (#2 at 312 yards and #12 at 328) since neither one is drive-able.

The longest par five, the third hole clocking in at 546 yards, is a fascinating three-shot test, playing uphill on the approach and generally into the wind. The fairway is serpentine with bunkers guarding every turn and impossible rough lurking not far off the line. Aim right off the tee to bring the landing area for your second shot into view. A massive bunker--nearly fifty yards long--splits the fairway directly in front of the green, so make the right strategic choice on your second shot to set up your third.

The sixth hole, a 174-yard par three, is a card-wrecker that comes early in the round. The tee shot is all carry over water, which also wraps around the right side of the monstrous green. There's not really any bail-out area, either: the left side of the green is home to a huge bunker. Even if you avoid all the trouble, just landing your ball on the wide but shallow green doesn't guarantee a par since you could easily have a first putt of well over 100 feet.

Speaking of demanding putts, watch out for the the eleventh hole, a seemingly benign 161-yard one-shotter. You absolutely must put your tee shot on the same level as the cup on one of the three severe tiers to avoid a near-certain three jack--or worse.

The Back Nine At Ballyowen. Photo courtesy of the course.
Ballyowen's sixteenth hole brings together all the challenges you've faced so far. At 420 yards, it requires an accurate drive with a forced carry over the fescue to a fairway pinched by two gleaming bunkers on the right. Your second shot will be uphill to a long, narrow green guarded by a false front and yet more bunkers on both sides. The green itself is a roller-coaster ride where double-breakers are normal.

Ballyowen may not play like a links course, but it feels like one. Fairways are surrounded by mounds and hillocks and the big, big greens invite long running chips and pitches. The wide-open layout and views of the golf course around you reminded me of Kingsbarns Golf Links southeast of St. Andrews, where every time you look up after your own shot you can see other golfers in the distance. It's a course well worth the day trip from New York or Westchester or even a golf weekend where you can sample some of the other attractions--including the six other courses--within the Crystal Springs community.

Among many other books, Dave Donelson is the author of Weird Golf: 18 tales of fantastic, horrific, scientifically impossible, and morally reprehensible golf

Friday, August 31, 2012

Pasatiempo Celebrates Classic Golf

Pasatiempo 11th Hole
11th Hole, Pasatiempo. Photo courtesy of Rob Babcock/Pasatiempo Golf Club
California has so many great golf destinations it's easy to overlook one of the best courses in the state--if not the nation--simply because there's no resort attached to it and the professional tours don't stop there. I'm talking about Pasatiempo, the classic Alister Mackenzie gem roughly midway between San Francisco and the Monterey Peninsula, home to one of his other famous designs, Cypress Point (not to mention Pebble Beach, Spyglass, et al). No matter where you're playing otherwise in Northern California, Pasatiempo is well worth the short side trip. It's a must-play for serious golfers not to mention students of golf architecture. How good is Pasatiempo? When Bobby Jones played it on opening day in 1929, he immediately hired Mackenzie to design Augusta National.

Pasatiempo is only 6,521 yards from the tips, but it plays to a stalwart 72.4 rating/143 slope. Its dramatic elevation changes and seemingly endless natural hazards make for a rugged course whose difficulty is cranked up several notches by Mackenzie's strongly contoured greens and sprawling, glorious bunkers. Every hole seems to offer a risk and reward tactical choice and every green runs fast, true, and convoluted.

Each successive tee box presents you with a unique challenge. The opener is a 457-yard par four that requires a long, accurate approach as well as a powerful drive. The third hole, a magnificent 235-yard uphill par three, is protected not just by its length but by four menacing greenside bunkers along with a mind-messing cross bunker. The first par five you play, the sixth hole, is 567 yards, but believe it or not, accuracy counts more than length on every shot due to the tight fairway, cross bunkers, and long, narrow green. Next up is the shortest par four on the course, the 348-yard seventh hole, where trees from both sides nearly meet overhead to practically form a tunnel over the fairway. Needless to say, a controlled tee shot is essential.

Natural hazards abound on the back side. A bottomless ravine threatens both your drive and your approach on the 392-yard eleventh hole, then comes back into play guarding the green on the 373-yard twelfth. Fifteen is a 141-yard one-shotter perched behind another deep fissure in the earth's crust, as is the 169-yard finishing hole, which also slopes--and putts--more like an icy ski slope than a golf green.

Pasatiempo 16th Hole
16th Hole, Pasatiempo. Photo courtesy of Rob Babcock/Pasatiempo Golf Club
The number one handicap hole on Pasatiempo is the 387-yard sixteenth, a hole Mackenzie himself considered the best two-shotter in the game. The drive is uphill, blind, and rewards a high draw if you can pull one off. The approach is what separates the men from the boys, however. It's back over the ravine you've encounted on several holes and into a brutal three-tiered green that is a full 49 yards deep and has a frightening false front. Coming up short is not an option, nor is leaving your ball above the hole. In other words, par on this hole is almost always a function of a perfect second shot. It's easy to see how Pasatiempo was built to enhance match play, the predominant form of competition in its day.

The club has hosted numerous USGA championships and is the permanent home of the Western Intercollegiate Golf Tournament where everyone from Ken Venturi and Gene Littler To Johnny Miller, Dave Stockton, and Tiger Woods competed during their college years. LPGA star Juli Inkster literally grew up on the course and Alister Mackenzie chose to live there--his home is along the fairway on the sixth hole. And here's an aside for New York area golfers: Mackenzie is believed to have worked on Century Country Club in Purchase while he was a partner with Colt & Allison, the official designers of the course.

One of the best features of Pasatiempo is its status as a semi-private club. Certain tee times are reserved for members, but you can book a time online as much as 365 days in advance. If you treasure the classical traditions of golf architecture or otherwise want a spectacular golf experience, book yours today!

Among many other books, Dave Donelson is the author of Weird Golf: 18 tales of fantastic, horrific, scientifically impossible, and morally reprehensible golf

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Breed, Alexander, Kennedy Honored by PGA

Thee outstanding members of the Metropolitan Section of the PGA will be honored at the PGA of America Awards in January. They are Michael Breed, popular Golf Channel personality and head professional at Sunningdale, who was named PGA Teacher of the Year, Carl Alexander, head pro at The Golf Club of Purchase, who will receive the Horton Smith Award, and John Kennedy, Jr., Director of Golf at Westchester Country Club, who will be honored with the Patriot Award. Here's what the PGA press release said about them:

MICHAEL BREED - PGA Teacher of the Year

Michael Breed of Greenwich, Conn., whose telegenic instruction skills through his signature Golf Channel program, "The Golf Fix," has motivated countless viewers to enjoy the game, has been named the recipient of the 2012 PGA Teacher of the Year Award.

Breed, 50, is in his 12th season as PGA head professional at Sunningdale Country Club in Scarsdale, N.Y. He follows Michael Hebron (1991) of St. James, N.Y., as the only Metropolitan PGA members to receive The PGA of America's highest honor for a golf instructor.

A native of Greenwich, Conn., Breed began his athletic career in baseball as a shortstop, and was introduced to golf at age 13 by his father.

Breed is a 1985 graduate of Randolph-Macon College in Ashland, Va., where he was a standout player for the Yellow Jackets, and was a 2004 inductee into the school's Athletic Hall of Fame. Breed declared professional in 1985, and made a bid in 1991 to earn a berth on the former Ben Hogan (now Web.com Tour). Breed was a PGA assistant professional at Augusta (Ga.) National Golf Club from 1989 through 1992, before serving as assistant from 1992 to 1995, for former PGA Professional National Champion Darrell Kestner at Deepdale Golf Club in Manhasset, N.Y. In 1994, Breed competed in the Greater Hartford Open on the PGA Tour.

Breed made his venture into golf broadcasting at Golf Channel in 1999, appearing on numerous "Golf Academy Live" programs as both a guest instructor and host. He has served as an on-course reporter for the former Nationwide Tour and PGA Tour events, and as a guest on such Golf Channel programs as "Viewer's Forum" and "Golf Central." Breed also contributed numerous golf tips for CBS, Turner Sports, and Cablevision.

In 2009, Breed was selected to host "The Golf Fix," elevating it into one of golf's most popular instruction programs on cable television. He also serves as host instructor for Golf Channel's "Big Break Academy."

Breed's broadcasting venture, he said, would not have been possible without the support of his home facility, Sunningdale Country Club, where he has been PGA head professional since 2001.

Breed served from 2005 to 2010 on the Metropolitan PGA Board of Directors and is in his second term on the national PGA Instruction Committee. A past chair of the Metropolitan PGA Education Committee, Breed won two Ely Callaway Awards in 2010 and 2011, recognizing individuals earning the most service hour credits for education recertification. He was the 2000 and 2009 Metropolitan PGA Teacher of the Year, and recipient of the Section's 2006 and '07 Horton Smith Award for contributions to PGA education.

For more than a decade, Breed has served as a Titleist Leadership Advisory Staff member and is among Golf Digest's Top 50 instructors in the U.S., and since 2003 has been listed as a top 100 instructor by GOLF Magazine. Breed's worldwide travels include trips to Canada and China to promote PGA education and has appeared before more than 15 PGA Sections nationwide.

Breed has coached 2003 PGA Champion Shaun Micheel, and past Tour winners Chris Smith and Joe Ogilvie. His current students include five-time Web.com Tour winner Darron Stiles, Ron Whitaker and LPGA winner Meghan Francella.

CARL ALEXANDER – Horton Smith Award 

Carl Alexander of Bedford, N.Y., whose leadership within the Metropolitan PGA Section resulted in showcasing both model programs and inspiring new audiences to the game, has been named the recipient of the 2012 Horton Smith Award for outstanding and continuing contributions to professional education.

Alexander, 46, is PGA director of golf at The Golf Club of Purchase (N.Y.), and a 16-year member of The PGA of America. He is the fourth member of the Metropolitan PGA Section to receive the Horton Smith Award, which was established in 1965, and named for the late PGA Past President and inaugural Masters Champion.

Born in New York City, Alexander is the son of renowned golf photographer Jules Alexander, and attended Rollins College in Orlando, Fla., before transferring to the University of Arizona. He turned professional in 1992, and joined the Grand Cypress Academy of Golf staff in Orlando, Fla. In 1997, Alexander accepted a teaching and assistant professional position at Pine Hollow Country Club in East Norwich, N.Y. In 1999, he was recruited to join GlenArbor Golf Club in Bedford Hills, N.Y., as PGA head professional to help build the new private golf club.

In 2005, Alexander joined The Golf Club of Purchase, where he has built successful teaching programs, and managed a first-class golf club with high-end services. Throughout his career, Alexander has hired and trained many assistants, several of whom have gone on to their own head professional positions in the Metropolitan PGA Section.

Alexander was introduced to golf at age 6, encouraged to join his neighborhood friends, and would take his first formal lessons from then-Westchester Country Club assistant professional Jim McLean, who went on to become one of the country's most celebrated instructors and the 1994 PGA Teacher of the Year.

Since 2003, Alexander has served as a member of the Metropolitan PGA Board of Directors; was Section vice president from 2007 to 2011; and has been a member of the Section Education Committee since 2004, and chair of the committee since 2009. He also is co-chair of the Section Communications and Public Relations Committee, serving in those capacities since 2008.

Alexander was the 2006 Metropolitan PGA Teacher of the Year and the 2010 Section Horton Smith Award recipient, and the 2000 Westchester Golf Association Player of the Year.

Among Alexander's endeavors of the past several years include teaming with LPGA Tour player Jane Blalock and other LPGA Tour professionals for a women's executive golf clinic; and developing a junior golf program at The Golf Club of Purchase, which pairs junior golfers for clinics, contests, and on-course competition with professional staff.

In 2009, Alexander met with and recruited Stuart Levine, formerly of Dale Carnegie, and together they developed a leadership and governance program for the Metropolitan PGA Educational Programs and the Board. In 2010, Stuart Levine was one of several keynote speakers at the Met PGA Spring Educational Forum along with Barry Hyde of the USGA and PGA Chief Executive Officer Joe Steranka. The PGA of America's Education Department later created four regional educational conferences and teamed with Stuart Levine & Associates to create the Power of Fundamentals Executive Program.

Alexander later served on the committee to develop the Met PGA Head Professional Handbook, which featured more than 400 pages of materials and outlines designed to help professionals in every phase of their operations, business, and personal development. Alexander created the Teaching Center at Purchase, a year-round state-of-the-art facility offered to players of all skill levels.

JOHN KENNEDY JR. – Patriot Award 

John Kennedy Jr. of New Canaan, Conn., whose leadership within the Metropolitan PGA Section extended to establishing a foundation for supporting the men and women of the military along with affiliation with the VA to help instruct disabled veterans, has been named the recipient of the 2012 Patriot Award.

First presented in 2008, the Patriot Award honors a PGA Professional who personifies patriotism through the game of golf and demonstrates unwavering commitment and dedication to the men and women who have valiantly served and protected the United States of America.

The 61-year-old Kennedy is in his 22nd year as PGA head professional at Westchester Country Club in Rye, N.Y., and is a 36-year member of The PGA of America. He is the second Metropolitan PGA Section member to receive the Patriot Award, following John Hines of Calverton, N.Y., in 2011.

Kennedy established Golfers in Support of the Troops Foundation in 2008, which has raised more than $90,000 over a four-year period to distribute more than 20,000 articles of clothing to U.S. troops and their families. Clothing was sent to Baghdad, Iraq; Fort Benning, Ga.; Fort Hood, Texas; Fort Collins, Colo.; and Fort Drum, N.Y. Kennedy contributed 50 percent of the clothing that he purchased for his own golf shop.

In addition to Westchester Country Club serving as a strong supporter of Patriot Golf Day since the initiative began in 2007, it also has supported Kennedy's efforts to build an alliance between the New York VA Hospital Prosthetics Device Department and 2010 Patriot Award recipient Jim Estes of Olney, Md., founder of the Salute Military Golf Association. Together with 2011 Patriot Award recipient John Hines, the group are working to expand training of PGA Professionals to give golf instruction to disabled veterans.

Born in Fairfield, Conn., Kennedy graduated from Fairfield University in 1972 and turned professional that year. He was elected to PGA membership in 1976, during which time he was an assistant professional at Sleepy Hollow Country Club in Scarborough, N.Y. In 2010, he became the third member of the Metropolitan PGA Section to be named a recipient of the national Horton Smith Award, which recognizes an individual PGA member for outstanding and continuing contributions to professional education.

Kennedy also was the 1997 Metropolitan PGA Golf Professional of the Year; and recipient of the 2005 Section Bill Strausbaugh Award; the 1985, '88 and 2009 Section Horton Smith Award; and the 1983 and '91 Section Merchandiser of the Year for Private Facilities.

Among many other books, Dave Donelson is the author of Weird Golf: 18 tales of fantastic, horrific, scientifically impossible, and morally reprehensible golf

SNAG Your Youngster On Golf

SNAG Golf
photo courtesy of SNAG
Why don't more kids take up golf? Because golf courses, instructors, and nearly everyone else in the game make it almost impossible for them to play. We introduce them to the game by standing them on a range, handing them a cut-down club, then filling their little heads with a couple dozen things to remember about their grip, stance, alignment, backswing, follow-through, balance, and so on. Maybe after a few weeks of pounding balls, we let them actually go out on the course, but it's the same one the grownups play and the rules are the same, so (just like the adults) they fail most of the time.

SNAG has a different approach. Starting New At Golf contains all the elements of golf but can be played anywhere indoors or out. It's an easy game that gets kids (or anyone) into the game by making it easy to learn and fun to play. Gee, what a concept.

PGA professional Kelly McCammon, a VP at SNAG, describes the game as a "bunny slope" for golf. "It's designed to introduce kids to the game the same way other sports bring young players into theirs," he says. "Youngsters begin soccer with a ball sized to their smaller feet, baseball puts the ball on a tee for beginners, basketball lowers the hoop--you get the picture." The SNAG equipment package and instruction system does the same thing.

photo courtesy of SNAG
Everything in the package is color-coded and simplified. The kids learn to hold a club correctly, for example, by grabbing the five-sided club handle with their left thumb on the yellow side and the right on the red one--giving them a perfect grip. Everything is target-oriented, too. There's a big circle on the club face that tells them where the ball is supposed to be struck and the ball itself is teed up on a pad with an arrow pointing to the place you want it to go. The ball is specially designed to be used anywhere indoors or out. There are only two clubs in the set--an oversized eight iron and a giant putter--but they are available in sizes for three-year-olds on up. The "hole" is actually a flag-topped cone that sits above ground and uses a velcro-like surface to hold the ball when it hits. There are other targets,

SNAG equipment is used by the First Tee and the system has been adopted by 12,000 facilities in 42 countries around the world. The system is marketed mostly to golf courses, schools, and parks and recreation departments, although there are individual packages available and it would be very easy to set up a SNAG "course" in your backyard.

President Terry Anton estimated 3.5 million kids are participating in the program in the U.S. The goal, he points out, is not just to get them into the game but to keep them there. "We believe sixty to seventy percent of SNAG participants stay in the game," he says. I can't think of a better testimonial.

Among many other books, Dave Donelson is the author of Weird Golf: 18 tales of fantastic, horrific, scientifically impossible, and morally reprehensible golf

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

User-Friendly Wild Turkey At Crystal Springs

If you're a fan of spacious fairways, expansive greens, and eye-pleasing vistas, you'll like Wild Turkey, the Roger Rulewich design that opened in 2001 at Crystal Springs in Hamburg, NJ. It's an excellent resort course with just enough bite to give the serious golfer his or her money's worth.

Wild Turkey is routed over two distinct terrains, a ridge that gives you multiple elevation changes and a treeless basin that lends a hint of links to the round. Throughout the course, Rulewich provides plenty of fairway to work with but demands that your tee shot be in the right place for a precise approach to deceptively difficult greens. Many of the par fours have limited aprons to punish a miss as well as multiple pin positions on seemingly acres of putting surface to command pinpoint accuracy on your approach. The course measures 7,202 yards from the tips, but is a good round from the blue tees at 6,555 with a 71.4 rating/131 slope. Four sets of tees are available in total.

Wild Turkey at Crystal Springs Resort
Wild Turkey Hole #7. Photo courtesy of the course.
Still, aside from a few exceptions, most of the holes are fairly forgiving as long as you observe and play to some of their design features. The 450-yard par four fifth hole, for example, has a green that runs away from a straight-on approach. The seventh, a 181-yard one-shotter, plays over a quarry lake. There's a minimal bail-out area left and out-of-bounds right, so the hole deserves your full attention.

As you make the turn, stop on the tenth tee to enjoy the view of three states, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and New York, on the horizon at Port Jervis. You'll get another view worth pausing for at the fourteenth tee, where you overlook the entire basin from the twelfth to the seventeenth hole.

Wild Turkey shows its teeth on the finishing holes, beginning with the 392-yard fifteenth where you face a long forced carry over water, a menacing bunker complex on the right side of the fairway, and a difficult elevated green where the surface is hidden from view on your approach. You'll also have to contend with water on the sixteenth hole, a 170-yard par three, as well as on the tee shot for the seventeenth, a seriously-long 577-yard par five that looks like a Cape hole, but isn't unless you can safely carry the ball 270 yards. The better play from the tee is to aim at the right-side fairway bunkers, which are barely reachable by the average player but will put you in a position to avoid the cross bunkers on your second shot.

Wild Turkey is a user-friendly golf course, but certainly not one on which you'd be ashamed of posting par or a little over. Like all the courses at Crystal Springs, the amenities are excellent, the conditions good, and the staff welcoming and helpful. Greens fees are reasonable, too, so consider squeezing in a second round during the day.

Among many other books, Dave Donelson is the author of Weird Golf: 18 tales of fantastic, horrific, scientifically impossible, and morally reprehensible golf

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Make A Difference With Your Labor Day Weekend Golf

Golfers this weekend will be supporting the children and spouses of the military men and women killed or disabled while serving our nation. It’s all part of Patriot Golf Day, a fundraiser for the Folds of Honor Foundation, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that provides postsecondary educational scholarships. On Labor Day weekend, golfers across the country are asked to add an extra dollar to their greens fees to fund Folds of Honor scholarships.  Both public and private courses—as well as driving ranges and other golf facilities—are behind the event.  Here are a few of the courses participating this year in my neck of the woods:

Ardsley CC
Whippoorwill CC
Bedford G&T
Mosholu
Otterkill CC
Hollow Brook GC
Hudson National GC
Leewood CC
Lake Isle CC
Knollwood CC
Willow Ridge CC
St. Andrews GC
Winged Foot GC
Mount Kisco CC
Wykagyl CC
Pelham CC
Casperkill GC
Vassar GC
Westchester CC
Sunningdale CC
Fenway CC
Patriot Hills GC
Tuxedo Club
Waccabuc CC
West Point GC
Metropolis CC
Dunwoodie GC

Even if your favorite course isn’t part of the event, you can still support this great cause with a direct dontaion—even if you don’t play golf this weekend!

Among many other books, Dave Donelson is the author of Weird Golf: 18 tales of fantastic, horrific, scientifically impossible, and morally reprehensible golf